4

It’s the first time that I contemplate the ceiling's beams of the room for such a long time.

The primary instinct urges me to spring into action, grab the rod with the feather duster, and clean them over and over again.

But the sign says "Closed for Vacation”.

 

It’s the first time I observe the closet in this room.

The primary instinct is to clean and rearrange every shelf and drawer again and again.

But the sign says "Closed for Vacation”.

 

It’s the first time I give up my weekly commitment as a Red Cross volunteer.

The primary instinct pushes me to call back and say I'm going.

But the sign says "Closed for Vacation”.

 

It’s the first time that I do not react when the judging gaze of my husband finds me lying on the couch with my mind far away.

The primary instinct tells me to stand up and respond to his remarks with "I'll do it now... I'll go now!"

But the sign says "Closed for Vacation”.

 

It's the first time that I let myself not be interested in my husband's health, and that of my children, their children, friends, their friends, relatives, and their relatives.

The primary instinct urges me to ask, call, and visit.

But the sign says "Closed for Vacation”.

 

It's the first time I feel guilty for not feeling guilty for ignoring my primary instinct of doing, managing, going, coming back, tidying up, always saying yes, "This is not good, don't bother... I'll take care of it now”.

But the sign says "Closed for Vacation”.

 

Lying on the couch, I see a strong girl determined to conquer the world.

I see a teenager, strong and determined to help her mother with the housework.

I see a young woman, not yet twenty, married to a man closer to a father's age than a peer.

And then, I see a mother who gives birth to children, helps her husband in the family business, and cares about parents, relatives, acquaintances, and customers.

But I also see a woman who is becoming harder and harder than stronger and determined.

I see a woman unable to think about herself.

And the dress she'd like to buy, to update her old wardrobe.

The husband grumbling at her because she never does enough, and because she is thinking of buying that dress, which she knows she will never buy.

And about the world out there, which she would like to see and is waiting for her.

 

But her husband can no longer travel, not that before he was willing to.

Her children are always a problem, even as adults.

Her grandchildren are out of control and need to be supervised.

Friends must be listened to and put up with.

The volunteer organization needs volunteers.

Customers need to be served with a smile through clenched teeth.

Employees must be brought into line.

...

Extract from the book “We Cannot Escape from Ourselves”.​​